byChrisWhite – 2016

One of the things I’ve come to love about blogging is its curious resemblance to a good, rambling chat on a neighbor’s porch, a bit meandering, always personal, and refreshingly free of the fussiness of polished essays or news reports. A blog lets you speak plainly, as though you’re in a back-and-forth conversation, and you don’t have to wait for the next grand, earth-shaking event to share your thoughts. Today, what I want to talk about is personal and close to the heart, a matter that’s been gnawing at my mind: depression, bullying, and the tangled ways they gnash at people we care about. And, naturally, I’ve got some advice to share.

Let’s talk about being young. You see, the peculiar thing about being an adolescent, besides the constant feeling of being stuck halfway between a child’s world and the adult’s, is that you’re running on what feels like a fully loaded adult brain. You’re still in school, so you know how to tackle long equations and have yet to forget the finer points of geography or Shakespeare. Your mental machinery is shiny, responsive, and in many ways you’re just as sharp as the next grown-up, if not sharper. But, and it’s a big “but,” there’s an aspect of adulthood you can’t quite lay claim to, and it happens to be the part that matters most: emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is something that grows with every heartache, every stumbling failure, every unanticipated betrayal, and every other mishap life can throw at you. It doesn’t come from a textbook, no matter how well-worn that textbook may be. It’s forged through the countless moments that test us, disappoint us, or force us to get back on our feet after a tumble. You learn to patch yourself up, grow a thicker skin, and get tougher each time you survive. A bit like an old suit of armor that gets a few new layers hammered on every time you’re thrown into the fray.

But the unfortunate part is that you can’t just order a side of “emotional resilience” off a menu, particularly not when you’re in the throes of all the high-pressure, hurricane-weather experiences that come with adolescence. There’s a paradox here: you need the wisdom of experience to handle some of life’s hardest moments, but those experiences often only come after you’ve been knocked around a fair bit. It’s the classic predicament of needing a wagon to carry home the timber but needing timber to build a wagon. A predicament that life, in its typical fashion, presents to all of us just when we feel least prepared to solve it.

And now comes the bitter irony. If you’re bright, truly bright, the kind that got you gold stars in school and glowing remarks from teachers, dealing with emotional chaos can be even more challenging. Intelligence gives you the awareness of just how wrong things are. It gives you a sense that the solution should be in reach. And yet, when it isn’t, you begin to question your very abilities. You might have been the one with the clever ideas, the answers, the skills to solve all kinds of problems, but suddenly, here you are, faced with a problem you can’t fix, an emotional quagmire that leaves you feeling not smart but rather hopelessly out of your depth.

Depression, if left unchecked, can slither into these vulnerable spaces and take root. It doesn’t care if you’ve been the smart one, the gifted one, the capable one. It strips all that away, leaving you with a dull ache, a mind that seems to have misplaced its spark, and a heavy fog that blankets even the simplest of pleasures. And if you think there’s a fair amount of shame tied to being bullied or feeling lost, let me assure you, there’s twice as much in finding yourself unable to muster even the will to change your socks.

What makes depression particularly insidious is its ability to carve out the foundation of who you are, scooping away your natural capacity to cope with the ups and downs of everyday living. The things that once mattered lose their color and shape. Your children, your hobbies, even the comfort of your bed, these things become hollow, as though viewed through the wrong end of a telescope. And when the world offers medication, pills meant to make you feel a little less, it doesn’t always help. For some, it’s like trying to patch a broken dam with a handful of clay.

If you recognize this happening to you or someone you love, catch it early. Sooner rather than later. It’s far easier to blunt the sharp edges of depression while you still have a handle on yourself. Medical intervention can, if done well, offer a reprieve, a chance to gather your wits and figure out how to confront whatever is dragging you down. But let me be clear, that doesn’t mean it solves things. Medical help is a lifeline, not an answer. The answer is in how you move forward once you’ve steadied yourself, whether that means cutting ties with a toxic person or leaving a job that’s been slowly squeezing the breath out of you.

Depression, untreated, hollows you out until you’re left a mere shadow of yourself. The simplest of daily activities, washing a dish, changing a light bulb, folding a towel, become mountains too steep to climb. Your friends, well-meaning but baffled, may grow distant because they can’t understand how or why you’ve changed. They may even grow impatient, though it isn’t out of malice. People just struggle to make sense of what seems so illogical to them. And if, in their own lives, they’re scrambling to keep their own heads above water, the weight of your depression can become a burden they feel they have to escape. And the sad truth is, there’s guilt on both sides: yours for feeling like a burden, and theirs for the impulse to pull away.

I’ll tell you something personal here: my brother, who’s gone now, struggled deeply with depression. His depression was tangled up with a psychological disorder, which made things all the more difficult. To him, the world was a dangerous place, but it was a danger that he believed only he could fix if others would just listen to his ideas. He loved his family and tried, desperately at times, to protect them, but it pained him to see that they no longer trusted him. And the world, viewed through his eyes, became a lonely place where he was keenly aware of how people avoided him, how they tiptoed around his illness. Depression took from him the clarity to see himself as he truly was, and it left behind only the sharp sting of rejection and failure.

It’s a sad truth that depression can take a person and twist them into something unrecognizable, to themselves and others. They see the faces of those they love turn away, their patience frayed, their support strained. They begin to feel ashamed of their own helplessness, and that shame, well, it only feeds the depression further. It’s a dreadful cycle, and it’s one that only deepens as their emotions hollow out, leaving a brittle shell of the person they once were.

Now, I don’t pretend to have a cure-all for depression or the bullying that often leads there. But I will tell you this: if you’re struggling, or you see someone struggling, take it seriously. Step up, not back. And if you’re being bullied, don’t let it burrow into your soul. Stand up, even if your voice shakes. Tell them plainly that you’re hurt. You don’t need their approval, but there’s strength in declaring, aloud, that you’re done. Sometimes saying the words makes them true.

Remember, life is inherently turbulent, it’s messy, unpredictable, and often downright painful. But it’s also beautiful, worthwhile, and filled with moments that surprise you when you least expect them. If the weight of certain people or situations is dragging you down instead of lifting you up, have the courage to let go. Decide whether something is a chapter in your story or just a footnote. Sometimes, to grow, we need to leave behind what’s choking us off.

And to those who haven’t experienced depression, be grateful. Extend a hand to those who are struggling, not a hand to lift them, for they’ll have to do that themselves, but a hand to hold while they gather the strength to rise. We are all flawed creatures, some more fragile than others, but all deserving of empathy.

Depression doesn’t thrive where resilience lives. Stand firm. Be resilient. Find what matters and hold on to it, even if it’s only a sliver of hope. And if you need help, get it, without shame or hesitation. Because in the end, facing your fears, your struggles, and those who try to pull you down, will turn you into something more than you ever thought possible.

And remember: the bully, that poor soul, may be strutting about now, but the road ahead is harder than they can fathom. Where they are full of themselves today, you, if you choose to stand firm, will be full of strength tomorrow. Don’t be afraid to confront them, nor to leave them behind. Let their cruelty shape your determination, not your identity.

It’s a messy business, life, and it’s harder for some than others. But it’s worth fighting for, and that’s the bottom line. Whether you’re just starting out, struggling to find your footing, or wrestling with a darkness that seems too heavy to bear, remember that you’re not alone. There’s help, there’s hope, and there’s always another side to the story. And sometimes, just declaring that you’re finished with something, whether it’s a bully, a toxic relationship, or the internal chaos of depression, can be the beginning of something much better.

Good luck to you, and may you find strength in yourself, no matter where you stand today.