The phrase “start where you are” has been rattling around inside my curly head for a few days now. I am not exactly sure where I first heard it, but I immediately recognized the value of writing about it. Now that I just launched my own blog, it seems especially poignant that my first official blog would be about starting wherever you are with whatever idea or project or goal that you may have.
Trying to build on the context of a phrase like this could take us in several directions, any of which would be equally worthy of exploration. But the one particular direction my mind initially took was about allowing ourselves the permission to move forward by embracing, rather than denying the painful aspects or events of our lives.
I think most of us can find, though some have done a good job of repressing, painful or hurtful circumstances and events in our lives where we’ve been intensely wounded without having properly dealt with the aftermath. Sometimes we are hesitant to move ahead and reboot after a traumatic event, if for no other reason than to show respect and remembrance for what or whom we may have lost. Just the word “aftermath”, evokes a powerful memory for me after having recently dealt with the death of my brother Mike.
One of the most important forward steps I made emotionally with that event was coming to an understanding with it on my brothers’ terms, not my own. It’s so easy for us to internalize what others do; and in fact, I believe that is what generally hurts us most.
Being a man, husband, father, uncle, brother… you don’t always get an opportunity to grieve with the rest of your family when a family death occurs. Mainly because you’re too busy making sure everything is taken care of so others don’t have to deal with the difficult parts. That was the role I took.
When I finally started to vocalize my feelings out-loud to others and remove the weight of my own emotional state, I could more easily empathize with what was going on with my brother. Suddenly I wasn’t so concerned with myself and how it affected me but instead my thoughts were directed toward my brother and what he had been going through.
It was literally like flipping a switch. I remember so clearly the day I suddenly recognized that I was no longer dwelling on the dreadful decision he made. My daily ritual for months had been to run a hot bath first thing in the morning, then soak my body in hot water while I “what-if’d” the situation until I’d find a way to see fault in myself. But that’s what we do isn’t it? We assign our own logic and our own feelings to things that others do, like somehow others make their own choices based upon what we might think.
Trust me; they don’t. Not only are people not respecting our values or our feelings when they do things we don’t approve of, they probably don’t even share a similar logic. Their reality isn’t our reality.
Like I said before, our reality is shaped by our own personal experiences and those experience are not the same as others. So before embarking on something new, let’s first shed some old skin from our past and gain a fresh perspective. Forgive that what you can never fully comprehend anyway, recognizing first and foremost that it was never about you.
But that concept, as important as it is, is not what I have been equating with the phrase, “starting where you are”. Instead, I was interpreting those words much more literally, much more practically:
I don’t know about you, but I have a perfectionist inside of me who defers to waiting until the “right” moment to do something. I wait just until I have all the necessary tools or facts or information or whatever it is, I believe I may need in order to begin.
A perfect example of this is when I was 5 and my mom enrolled me and my siblings into a YMCA swimming class. My mom is very fond of telling us that for the first few days of swim class, I refused to participate. Patiently watching others swim from the edge of the pool, watching and learning. Until suddenly and unexpectedly, after having learned all the techniques from watching everyone else, I just jumped in the pool and started swimming.
That perfectionist in my head, as humorous as these stories can be now, has not really been the best role model for me. He’s quietly worked behind the scenes of my life to write a script that is much more reserved and skeptical than I wish it had been.
I have had to fight that guy mightily over the years, and I have definitely won a few of those battles. But he can be stubborn. He rears his curly head any and every time I think about trying something new, doing something outside of my comfort zone, or when confronted with the possibility of failure.
- Will I be smart enough?
- Am I adequately prepared to go down this path?
- Will I *gulp* fail?
As I have clawed my way forward and pushed through those seeds of doubt for nearly five decades the result has surprisingly always been the same; Yes, I actually can be successful at things I’ve never done before. No matter where I was, I started right there on that very spot, and I succeeded by learning and growing into a new starting place.
Like a caterpillar inching along at a snail’s pace, I and you slowly but eventually find our center then quickly re-orient ourselves to a new normal. An old proverb says that just when the caterpillar believes his life is over – God says nope, you are now a butterfly. Today always marks the beginning of a new story – a new life.
As so often happens in my life, opportunities come to me at exactly the right time. Precisely when I need to hear a word of encouragement or to feel like I am somehow making a difference, an opportunity or a person comes along to fulfill that need.
There is no guarantee, however, that we will even notice that opportunity or that special individual. You must be aware and observant of your own needs in order to recognize your own lack of fulfillment. Spending time, and expending energy for the sole purpose of getting to know yourself is time well spent. How you do that (reflection, meditation, therapy), is for you to decide what works best for you.
When something good happens, you can’t be afraid to own it. You cannot allow yourself to believe that you don’t deserve it or that you’re not prepared to accept it. Accepting a difficult challenge you can grow into is one of the most important things you can do in life.
We all know I could never deserve a wife like Emily. Yet here we are married and still very happy. This is a perfect example of me starting where I was, woefully inadequate for the task, then believing with all my heart that I could eventually grow into the role. I’m still growing…
Sometimes we hear words of encouragement from others that we should be able to tell ourselves, but that perfectionist inside us can gobble those words up before they can reach our brain, or heart, or wherever it would feel good to be.
Don’t be afraid to recognize how awesome you are. If you don’t believe you deserve something good, you’ll never recognize the good that waits for you all around. Somehow words of encouragement come so much easier when inspiring someone else to follow his or her path. So just in case you need to hear some words of encouragement, here you go:
Do not let anyone, especially that perfectionist in your head, tell you that you cannot succeed or that you are not smart enough, or you’re not going to measure up to someone else’s version – make it about you and your vision of what’s right. Right and true and correct are all moving targets that evolve and change daily. Just as we become experts, the science changes and new experts emerge. Let that be your invitation to shine.
Also understand that painful events happen to everyone. It’s our ability to hear our own voices that helps us recognize what we need to do to move beyond. If you can’t hear yourself very well, no one else will either; speak up! You are good enough and you are smart enough — or at least you will be — but no one will never know without you starting…right where you are.