Brokeback Bachelorette

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I’ll admit it, I’m always right up in the middle of watching the Bachelorette with my wife as I just can’t seem to get enough of watching superficial train wrecks. Monday evenings just wouldn’t be complete without pigeon induced meltdowns and sumo ball-sack bingo. I’m sure Emily wants to pull her hair out with all my side commentary as I sarcastically narrate the entire show like an off-camera storyteller with a personal grudge – ruining the entire show for her. But I just can’t help it, I mean, think about it – Kaitlyn is supposed to be intensely afraid of pigeons but she has them tattooed all over her body – get real.

First though, what’s up with the Rose Ceremony being moved to the beginning of the show? Do they really think their ratings will go up by losing the one thing we can always count on? Oh, forget what I just said, there are lots of things you can always count on i.e., 30 douchebag losers with ripped abs all vying to interview for the next available slot as a reality television star. They have zero motives whatsoever in finding love, although a quickie in the fantasy suite would suit them all just fine.

This season tells that story even better than any others because ABC was so foolish as to pit two girls against each other for some added drama and the potential of making a pretty but very fake girl cry on national television (which worked BTW). The aftermath that followed was that the guys switched loyalties like I change hair gels. Kupah, the entrepreneur, whose name means “race card” in Swahili, says to Kaitlyn after getting the boot…”I don’t want to go home because you’re hot and you like movie quotes just like me”. Play on Playa!

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What about Tony the healer? OMG! Before the second part of the date, Tony the Tiger tells Kaitlyn he needs to go home because he has the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy and the mind of child and why can’t they do something peaceful and loving on their dates instead of sitting on the balcony using the F word like any other Ninja child would do. I guess his warrior heart got left on the sumo stage along with all of those over-confident statements in the beginning like – “I would be so frightened right now if I had to fight myself because my inner child might appear as the fighter and then my warrior badass, fighting from either side of my sumo outfit, could explode my Gypsy spirits, causing my inner child to run away forever – which is a metaphor for “I’m a complete narcis-tard and I would make a way better bachelorette and Kaitlyn never took me to the zoo so I’m quitting.”

JJ totally gets on my nerves. He has to be one of the most narcissistic and over-confident contestants ever. He looks like the love child between JFK and Austin Powers. He’s got the Kennedy jaw line but those teeth could be used to seine fishing minnows from a creek. JJ says he loves Japanese culture and sushi. I’m sure that blob’ish tattoo on his shoulder probably means California Roll in Japanese. The ABC editors are definitely attempting to make us think that JJ and Clint are gay but I’m not sure JJ even knows what up yet because his mind couldn’t possibly be occupied by anyone other than his over-inflated self.

What about Jared the restaurant manager. I hated this guy from the get go but then he sort of redeemed himself when he came clean with Kaitlyn about his dreamy fixations on Britt. It was a stupid move, relationship wise, but made me think that he might actually be a real person. Then he started instigating stuff and decides to tattle-tell on the two Brokeback bachelors JJ and Clint for being douches. I’m convinced Jared manages a Chic-Fil-A because you know those Chic-Fil-A folks have a real hard time with the LGBT folks. I can totally see him pushing a 2 for 1 Grilled Chicken Cool Wrap with Avocado Lime Ranch deal. Kaitlyn should definitely think twice before taking him home as he is already showing signs of receding facial hair.

The show ends with Kaitlyn confronting a shameful Clint who acts like he’s more interested in JJ’s “goldmember” than Kaitlyn. Earth to Clint, you don’t have to get a rose to hook up with JJ, an email address will do just fine. I don’t know if ABC is just editing all of this to make us think something that may not true or if Clint is really falling in love with JJ in a romantic – not a bro-mantic – way. Either way, ABC is sensationalizing homosexuality in what I would consider a crass and insensitive way which should really fire up a pretty big demographic of once loyal followers of the show. You can’t increase ratings when you make a total freak show out of real people’s lives. I would be willing to bet a few bucks that these guys turn out not to be gay at all.

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I was hoping they would have picked Kentucky Joe for the sex education class. He’s got weird hair but he brought moonshine so that makes him cool in my book. Joe doesn’t necessarily embrace the Japanese culture like JJ and his version of sushi is probably a sliced up corn dog but he totally rocked his sumo outfit, letting his block and tackle slip out to educate America on the hidden perils of sumo wrestling. As far as the sex ed class, I say Joe would have killed it on the redneck anatomy instruction, “See dis here hole ryte chere? We call it a corn hole back where I come from.” For a reality show that prides itself on exploiting any opportunity that promises to insult a person’s culture or intelligence – they completely missed the boat with Joe.

Anyway, I thought I would just vent a little here instead of ruining the next show for Emily. I don’t want her to lose all her Zen like Tony did and make me go to couples counseling with my bonsai tree. I’m totally going to rock me one of those sumo thongs though. Maybe that would add some levity and brevity to the situation. I wonder though, what will be the next group date scenario. Kaitlyn is so fixated on overly masculine sports maybe her next group date will end up with Pistol Dueling as the Pièce De Résistance. Then Kentucky Joe can take out JJ Powers with a head shot and I can start believing in television all over again.

3 thoughts on “Brokeback Bachelorette

  1. I can’t believe I just wasted a portion of my life reading about the Bachelorette🙀WHAT WAS THIS! Emily if you want to come hang out at my house on Monday nights I’m ok with that. i can just imagine the suffering he is making you indure!​

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